updates- bob my dad my friends and more
Mood:  down
Now Playing: i dont know much about much of my old man- good charolet- when they were good
bob and i broke up then got back together i had sex with another man who thinks hes a god in bed but really sux ass... my friend started cutting and dusting- a kind of huffing- i had to tell on her bc she passed out 6 times in my presence and i had to slap her to wake her up. she just got out of rehab. because of this my mom and dad think that they have gained a new scapegoat and blame all my flaws on her and they tell me what a bad influence she is on me. i hate that they think that i'm so influenced by other things- my father may be weak minded but i am not- my dad found out about me outing sky and that i did it at 2:00am in the morning on a school night and then played sick the next day and he got super pissed and my mom for some reason has started getting angry at me more and more- and i dont really understand why- so the other day she took my keys away and then bragged about her good disaplin skills to my dad. which really annoyed me- she sits here and bashes on my dad trying to control me too much and then freaks out when i go over to another persons house after school and forget to tell her bc i dont find it that big of a deal unless i'm going out of town. i hate my father- he trys to control me and that causes me to rebel more... he says i dont care much for my family and thats true- you know why? because what i have isnt a family- i have two moms- skys mom and my own- no father seeing as mine disowned me months ago and two little sisters- one that hates me for punishing my father even though when she turns my age she'll do the same thing because she'll hate being controlled too, and another that is so alone that she plays by herself and has to notify us when shes hungry so we feed her. i feel badly letting queen be like that- no i feel badly because i dont change it- i try- i read her stories at night and praise her art work and ask her whats happening at school- but in the end she hates me just as much as my other sister does- so i ask you- what family do i have? i have a better family outside of my biological family. i hate my father!!
i love bob and i love that i am myself with him now and i love that he likes that- i hate that hes gone-i want him back- im tired of being young and not being able to live on my own. i want my own life- i want to only see my family on thanks giving and x- mas- i only have one more year to go and then im out.

bob crying and new men in my life
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: sweet dreams- marilyn manson
so bob said i love you to me and then took it back, i got upset and one of my friends from school gave me a big hug and calmed me down just with that. knowing what a spazoidic person i am - that is a big achievement, so the next day i got lots of hugs from him and then on tuesday the sixth of september i started dating him and ended it with bob. ending it with bob was a huge amount of independence and freedom coming back to me and i loved the rush it gave me. then the next week- the 12th bob called drunk off his ass and asked me to marry him,i freaked and ended speaking to him as well. i have taken control of my life and i like it!! the great thing about my new boyfriend- lets call him mike- mike lets me be me, i dont have to dress up and i dont have to grunge down, i'm beautiful to him anyway i am and he tells me. i love the way he touches me and the way i feel so.. happy around him. things with us aren't complicated at all, we love kissing each other, he has a tung ring and i like it alot- lol, and i dont know, all i know is that im happy to be me, because he will always think im hot no matter what. he will never put me down, and he loves to touch me. he is in no way shape or form an asshole- and i love him!!
he he he
he loves me too!!
do you have any idea how great it feels to be loved back? let me give you a hint: it feels a thousand times better than sex. so dont mind me while i gush: i love him i love him i love him!!
yeah!!
he loves me !!
bye now have to sleep

hello beautiful and good night sweety
Now Playing: i love you is that okay- ?
so as i said bob has found god, and its nice, you know, to be called sweetie every now and again, to be told that he misses you and that he cant wait to hug you again, to know that this guy must really like you for more than just the reason you put out, because why else would he say those words. as fantastical me dances on clouds, reality me is keeping her feet on the ground, they are just words i remind myself, words mean nothing, they cant hurt and they cant love, actions are what counts, so we'll see when he comes back if god sticks to him like gum, or peels off like wax- like he did for me. a small part of me believes in god, because i was brought up to believe in him, but that piece is in just the right spot, its placed just so, i cant classify myself as a nonbeliever, but i am not saint Mary either, i am magic, a girl who dearly wishes to see herself as she once did, a girl who has been with out love, a girl who chooses to love before she hates, but also a girl who is very sassy. this is who i see myself as, im not as weak as i was before, but not as strong as i once was, i will gain that back, weather god helps me with it or i do it on my own,though there are recent prayers that have been said, they weren't for me, they were for him, keep him safe, keep him happy, let him have love in his life, those kind of things, i really dont see god as a safety net for me but for those i love, because i care more what happens to them.

hi sweetheart
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: i hate you but i love you
he said hi sweetheart, he talked to me about god, and i was wowed and amazed by him- why is it that he gets into knowing god just when i my self have started praying more often. i have been getting back to myself the person i respected and i like and god was a part of that persons life- i used to pray everyday- though i did it my way i just talked to him- no amen shit- the last time i talked to god was the night i talked to bob and he said he didnt love me and that he may act weird towards me now. i went outside it was pouring rain and i sat there and screamed at the sky- i yelled at him i said ' i told you so- i told you no man could ever love me- and if he did i wouldnt love him back- and i would never love someone who returned the feeling, but you had to go try and prove me wrong- and look where it got you!! me with a broken heart and him with nothing- because that is what i am to him nothing!!'- if your wondering i have my journal out and im quoting from it so thats pretty close to what i said- so ne who thats the last real conversation i had with him- the others from then on were i know that me 'n you are fighting but could you please protect bob... today he called me sweet heart as i said and then he went on to apologize and say that he is a bad person. i'm sitting here like yeah, you are and did all those things -but i love all the good things about you. he's so happy- and i'm do happy for him- i love this new bob even more than the old one- if thats possible, but my question is: when does it end- or- when does he take it to an extreme like my cousin did- if it just stays the way it is then it will be great- in a way if it just stays like it is bob would be alot like my mom, all the things he said were so inspiring and made me so happy- but as soon as i get off the phone i think so i wonder if this is going to last... i hope it does- hes so happy. this is confusing to you people but i could care less im tired and my feet hurt from work but i'm happy. so there!! :)

hello beautiful
Mood:  special
once before i have been called beautiful- and not to my face. it was my first year at my Christian camp for confirmation and i was not close friends with any girls- i replaced girls with two boys-BJ and - two boys i knew would fancy me by the end of the week- and sure enough they did BJ more slowly than - who just outright hit on me and tried to hold my hand- both of the boys i found good looking- BJ was short with black hair and blue eyes and was a half a inch shorter than me and had brown hair, squeaky voice and was scrawny though he was good looking. together we conquered the evils of camp- our consolers found us funny- when boys and girls go to camp they tend to bond with the same sex-where as we were the three who avoided the people with in our cabin and preferred to sit next to each other- but because it was Christian camp we were accepted and aloud to sit next to each other. so at the end of camp we promised to stay in touch- we are no longer in touch so the promise was broken- the first person i called out of camp was BJ and then . A week or so later i made my routine call to and got his mother- who was a very talkative small woman- she said hi and soon we started a big conversation about our beliefs and then we got onto the topic of - she said "now dusty wouldnt want me to tell you this- he'd be embarrassed to much- but just yesterday we got his pictures back from camp and he said 'look at her mom, isn't she beautiful?'" i started crying on the spot- i had never been called beautiful and it was so sweet coming from a friend of mine- i loved the feeling i had inside of me knowing that someone thought i was beautiful. now it is about 5 years later and i have been casually called beautiful- i was on the phone with bob and the first thing he said to me was "hello beautiful" the difference between this beautiful and the other is that this beautiful wasnt in this sentence " god damn youre beautiful" and it has to be said with meaning, he said this to me like i say hey sexy to him- a greeting and to please the other person on the other end- and it pleased me- i squeaked out an awww and said hey sexy i miss you- it didnt bring me to tears because it was casually said. he said it as flattery just as he could have said that to my mother as flattery- i'm not sure if there was any meaning behind it- but it did make me feel pretty, but just that: pretty. pretty is the closest word to plain, pretty is not a descriptive word you want to hear come out of the mouth of someone you think of as a mate about your looks, note to all men pretty feels like plain, beautiful feels like pretty and gorgeous feels like glamorous. unless you say the last two with meaning then they mean exactly that. i love being called beautiful and i hope all his telephone greetings are that from now on.lol im a loon
love you all
more comments you fuckers- dont make me get on your asses!!

the meaning of boredom
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: pinch me- bare naked ladies
i'm so bored! nothing to do here except go on the Internet or climb up silos!! i wait for the call from bob because its something interesting- he threw up twice already from working in the Florida heat and advises that no one comes to Florida unless they're going on vacation or planning to retire there. the first time he called he informed me that there were little lizards down there- to which i said i know and asked him if he caught any yet- he said he caught three and one tried to bite him so he put it down saying fine you little bastard. my little sister queen,5, is getting home sick- last night i had to comfort her while she cried because she missed mommy and daddy. she asked how long we're going to be here i said another 4 days and she started bawling. my cousin cliff asked if i wanted to be a target for his paint ball course- 'we have another mask' i said no then he said ' come on! we'll even turn the pressure down so i wont hurt that much' i got annoyed with this business all through lunch then he left with pa, his father Charlie was still there and when we started getting ready for supper he told me to get in the kitchen- where i belong- god!! i really hated when he said that the first time and sense he is almost persistent as his son- he kept saying it and by the time supper was over i was so pissed i barricaded myself in my room and read a boring book- thats all you can do though because my ma and pa thought his sexist jokes were funny and they dont allow me to cuss and i'm supposed to respect my elders- i have never respected Charlie because hes an ass!! anyone whos not his son and is younger than him gets treated like theyre not human. sexist ass!! i've wanted to share these thoughts with bob but unfortunately its quite impossible to have a private conversation here. you can go into mas bedroom and use the phone in there but then you'll have little kids crowding the door and laughing and tattling when you cuss. ugh!! i hate it and i miss bob!! i miss home!! good bye all- what happened to the comments? i really liked them!! even if some of them were rude!! lol love u all!!

aww the country life
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: the doorbell- white stripes
so right now i'm in hick ville, in a very small town with dusty roads and no cell phone signal. this is where i was raised to the age of five. i used to want to move back here- now im so bored that i see no reason to live here at all. as i said my cell phone doesnt work- people have been calling but my cell hasnt rang at all. to make a call to bob this morning- who now thinks i'm ignoring him and is a bit pissed- i had to climb a silo- which is a very tall round shaped building that holds grain- also known as silage. i didnt even get a decent signal when i made it to the top of the tower!! my ma and pops are farmers on my fathers side- and theyre all republicans- now im a liberal- a full blast liberal- yet i have dealt very well with republicans and their close minded ways of thinking- in fact i have a friend who is a republican- but down here its different- they pull religion and political ideas together as one- i am expected not to cuss and to stay inside and knit- but thats the good thing about my child hood down here- i never once did what was expected- at age 8 i called my cousin a bitch- by age 10 i was helping with the cows every morning like a boy- im admired by my pa by having strength but still being girly- for being great at carpentry and for keeping up with my idiot cousins. when i was 5 i would have been considered a tom boy- now at age 16 im considered a young woman- not a girly girl who complains about the feeling of mud between her toes and no longer a tom boy who doesnt care for skirts and finger nail polish. im in between- i enjoy shopping but i can saw boards better and faster than my idiot cousin who's a boy- i am a farm girl simply put. so here i am and i have nothing to do the highlight of my day was climbing the silo. i'll possibly help with some chores or bake a cake- but the climbing of the silo will be the highlight of my day,why? because i put on my shoes and my ma asked me what i was doing- i said climbing the silo- she said thats not a good idea and i walked out the door with her running after me yelling "magic- don't climb the- ugh- dont climb up to high!!" i made my way to the top and made my call while ma was screaming "be careful on your way down, dont trip you'll fall and break your neck!!" pa was on the tractor and yelled to my ma "June she'll be fine!! shes been up there before!" when pa and i retold the story at breakfast we had the whole place laughing at ma and her worries. thats another good thing about this place: the meals, ma makes enough food to feed an army for about four people, but we always have someone come around, we start out with 4 and end up with 10, we always have uncles and friends and old farmers who just stop by for 'coffee' and ma ends up feeding them. its so funny watching the people eat filling themselves up and saying "Now June i cant have another pancake, I'll burst.... well alright slap her on there" they say holding out their plates. well theres my entry i have food to eat- smells like were having beans and rice, the corn muffins smell good so i'm going to go steal one. bye all- love you!!

being called by name
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: john mayor - fathers be good to your daughters
i may be pregnant, i'm hoping its not true, i took a test and it said i'm not but i may have taken it to early, plus im on birth control and my periods supposed to come like clock work and i have now missed two days of it. i told bob, who i've stopped calling, he now calls me, i dont call because i dont want to, he said not to tell him shit like that unless i'm 100% sure, and he said he hopes not because it would take a chunk out of his pay check. this is the same guy who said if his girlfriend got pregnant then he wouldn't want them to abort it- i cant believe i never saw how selfish he is!! im going to abort if i am, because if i have a baby i want to be mommy and i cant have my life i want with a kid at age 16. i love babies, i love this baby inside of me, and i dint even know if there is one yet!! i so wish they could take the baby and put it on ice or something like that so i could have it when im 35 instead of 16, so i didnt have to kill it, but there isnt. believe me the day i have my abortion will be mourned every year for the rest of my life. i want so badly to have a red head baby girl, because thats what she'll be, she'll be just as pretty as her mommy with red hair and other little features like he daddy, this is my fantasy child-lol, it makes me sad because it could be here but i wont get to keep it either way. send me love people because i need it
good night

a big scare
Now Playing: good night good night- hot hot heat
so today was exciting. i went to the state park with my friends and two sisters queen 5, and hope 13. we had fun got wet, sunbathed and then left on our way home we had to go on gravel so i slowed down to 45mph and continued, the way to my house is on gravel so i'm pretty used to driving on it but i've never purposely put my car sideways so i dont know how to control a car when it starts to skid. so we turned onto this winding gravel road it was really dry out but hot at the same time so the gravel was really dry, the first corner we went around we skidded on, i tried to correct it and we ended up in the ditch. i called my mom she called the sheriff he stopped by and called a tow truck. since i wasn't speeding and everyone had their seat belts on i didnt get in any trouble, the sheriff just blamed it on inexperience of a teen driver and the awful dryness of the gravel. so my mom came by paid the toe truck man for fixing my wheels and then we went home and watched hook with robin Williams. hope asked why i wasnt calling bob to tell him, i said i didnt want to get yelled or laughed at. he's still pissed at me for sticking up for myself yesterday, and i'm not going to apologize. so he calls i tell him what happened he says good job and asks why he would care- he doesnt even ask if i'm alright, i could have broken bones but no he doesnt care. so hes deciding right now if he still wants to talk to me, dont think that i'm giving into being pathetic again, i'm only letting him decide because i couldnt care either way it went, i stuck up for myself and he got mad and still thinks that hes right, but on the other hand he does so many sweet things and there are so many good things about him, but he does stuff like this alot, so i'm numb i dont care which way it goes. i'm guessing that hes not talking to me bc he hasnt text me back from when i text him at 7:00, so yeah im just going to call and say so thats a yes, we're no longer fuck buddies or friends, so i should just say okay have a good life. its no loss. i love him sure but you cant let yourself be walked all over just because you love him, thats a weak excuse. i'll just love the nice memories of him- lol plus it wasnt real love- in order for it to be real love the person has to love you back- and he doesnt- i just love him, he doesnt love me. so the only thing that could get in my way of getting over him is if i dont have my period this upcoming week, and im taking birth control so there's a slim chance of that. so yeah now i'm going to be nervous for the next couple days until i bleed i should bleed Sunday so if i dont i'll notify you, because then there will be a big drama and he'll have to decide weather he wants to be a daddy or not because i definitely dont want to be a mommy. god please let me not be pregnant *fingers crossed* i shouldn't get dramatic already there is a very low chance of me being pregnant because im on birth control and we used condoms, but there's still a chance, i mean i was conceived while my mother was on birth control and my dad used a condom. i dunno i'll notify you on Sunday.

thoughts about me
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: helena- my chemical romance
routine is something that stifles the life out of people, that pushes that big comfy pillow over there face until they suffocate to death. routine gets people killed and also leads to a boring life. some people choose the path of routine until they die on one of their scheduled pee breaks, some are forced into routine, some despise it and run from it trying to be so spontaneous that they eventually end up screwed over just as much, some balance it and have great lives. those who balance it can often fall into a specific routine, one that they cant detect until something pushes them to see that they have entered into a routine. i have a boring life, one often followed by small town teens, during the summer my options are find entertainment in small things, watch tv and stay pale, or sleep all day. i chose, there for a while, to find entertain meant in small things, often doing spontaneous things like going to the neighboring small town and yelling things at any teenagers we can find, things like this entertained us alot, each day was different, each day we found something dumb and made it fun. i guess i didnt realize it when things got into routine, each day was still its own day, i just depend alot more on a mere phone call from bob than i used to, i would hang out with him every day pretty much doing nothing, well nothing i was interested in- cept maybe sex. i never really noticed that my routine was bob until i started critiquing bob and i saw that with out him my day was sleeping till 3:00 in the afternoon and then getting up eating nothing and watching tv all day long. if im lucky i get to go out with friends or see bob. i didnt realize how dependent i was on him until sleeping even got boring. though you probably wont believe this: i never used to be this pathetic, i used to find something to do and my motto was if there's nothing to do there's always something to burn, so on really boring days my friends and i would build bond fires and roast marshmallows- then it turned out that we had a great day. i hate this, i hate what i've turned myself into: this is not me. i may love him but i dont have to depend on him like some starving calf. fuck this i'm not even sure if i want to stay with him anymore, he's leaving, he doesnt love me and no amount of me staying and waiting will make him love me, before him i wasnt even interested in having a boyfriend, i had fun with my friends and had an occasional make out partner that never lasted that long. boys were toys and great friends to me, not lovers. i dont want to be pathetic any more. i can live with out him. i may miss him, but i can move on and go back to just having fun with my friends. im sick and tired of this damn routine and im done with it. thank you very much for the great experience with sex bob, hope you have a good life.