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Tuesday, 18 October 2005
Insomniac worries
one sleepless night multiplies into many,
restless over,
twisted insides over,
confused over,
guilty over you,
my words cant help you,
my words cant explain to you,
my thoughts confuse me,
what do i want?
do you know?
do i know?
i want to see you,
to kiss you,
to laugh and play
and make love to you,
i want to be touched,
i want to be loved truely and fully
can you give that to me?
i dont know
i want to forgeet about the world
and be with you
i want to have one small day
full of us
what we were
what we could have been
and return to the world
and forget about us
until a time comes
that we need to hide away again
and maybe this time i could
spend a week in your sweet embrace this time
i can not have this
i can not have
these kisses
these touches
this love
i'm scared that you wont love me always
if i concentrate you are here
touch me
hug me
kiss me
love me
can you love me?
can you make love to me?
can you forget everything for a day
and be with me?
what i'm thinking is dishonest
that is why i hold myself back
what do you think?
what i'm proposing is cheating
is lying
but its better than not having you at all
but would you do that for me?
keep me until i go?
hold me until i sleep?
be with others until we need eachother again?
distance keeps you from me
i keep you from me
pain entrenches me only finding peace
in the arms of another for a while
i love him
he loves me
you love me
dont you?
i love you
i do
what do i do?
cant i just have you for a day?
is that so wrong?
yes, i know it is
but i know as soon as i touch you
i will kiss you
and it will all overwhelm me
and i wont be in controm any more
i fear loss of control
i fear being with another
i fear not being with another
he wont hurt me.
will you hurt me?
will you look at me the way he does?
will you love me as much as i love you?
can you?
these crazed thoughts cant be stifeled out
can you stifel them out,
with a soft kiss?
i cant
but i want to.
- this poem was written for bob- i read it to a voice mail for him and he called me to tell me that it was beautiful and we talked everything out.
Posted by blackmagic8907
at 6:37 PM EDT
Tuesday, 5 July 2005
my poems as follows
Mood:
 lyrical
Swimming in my shallows
Step into shallows of my soul,
Walk past the curvy body,
Walk past the pretty face,
Tear away my smile and break through the surface,
Walk past my loud voice,
Walk past my crazy ignorance,
Destroy my reckless shell and descend into my depths,
Do you see my little sisters’ faces?
Do you see my father and my mother?
Can you feel my love for them?
Swim further out,
Do you see my friends?
Do you see him?
Do you see all the people that I’ve ever loved?
They still hold a piece of my heart.
Swim further out,
Do you see all the people I’ve hurt?
Do you see all the times I’ve cried?
Do you see all the times I’ve ran?
There were many, some important some not.
Now dive down.
Darkness, now, all you can do is feel.
Can you feel that force that makes you want to run?
Can you feel that force that calls to you for help?
These I have felt before, and more than once,
Dive further down.
Can you feel that pull on your stomach, making you want air?
Can you feel the worry that builds as you descend further?
Both are from the fear I won’t succeed.
Dive further down,
Can you feel that warm affection?
Can you feel that passion that grows stronger with each stroke?
These feelings are reserved for my friends and him alone,
Further now, your almost there.
Can you feel that?
No? Well, wait a minute you will.
Can you feel that now?
It’s indescribable,
Its pride, self-confidence, humility, and arrogance,
It’s kindness, anger, graciousness, and greed,
It’s sadness, fear, nothingness, and suffocation.
Do you know what it is?
It’s me, all my emotions, complaints and flaws, it’s the core of my soul,
It’s me.
Ascend back to the surface, swim back to my shallows
Replace that which you’ve torn away,
And leave me to be …
this was written before when i had spine left to stand up for myself, i wish people would just leave me to be now instead their all trying to fuck me at once- fuck me over, fuck me up, the only one to just plain fuck is bob and im the one encouraging that
Among the Multitude
Indecision is spinning through my mind
Thoughts racing each other
In the timeless wave
that’s always predictable
Out of the multitude of invisible problems
Two step forward and make themselves seen
One dancing calmly
With an affect on me
But a good result either way
I turn
The other problem head banging
And rocking out to each new thought
Or situation that I come up with
The first stays neutral
Wanting only to comfort me
But affecting my future
As well as my relationships
With them
They say they wont get mad
If I choose one
Over the other
But they will feel sad
And I wish there was a way to stop it
A woman who recently found her
Love for life, who recently
Stopped
Fighting with me and
Someone I’ve grown to like someone who puts to much
Responsibility
On me
A man damaged from not being loved for so long
Who I have always had things in common with
Laid back and caring but at the same time…
Irresponsible
Both I love to death
So how can I decide
The second is a exhausting tango
A head banger’s ball and
My head ach
This problem likes its leather and
Its drugs
The leather
being us as a couple
The drugs
None other than the emotional circle of ups and downs
This one likes to grab my hands and spin me around
Until I laugh
Then it likes to leave me and dance with another
Until my jealousy pulses
But as soon as a hand of his touches mine
I am no longer jealous
this one was just dumb but i thought id put it out ne way. its not even finished
Silent Suffocation
Placed in a dark and dreary cell,
Thoughts beating though my head,
Silence entrenching me
And pulling me to suffocation,
A voice calls
Breaking through the wall of thoughts and stillness
In silence there is always sound
It whispers harshly, passing through and leaving a sad hint of hope
In silence there is always sound
I repeat the saying to myself
It cannot be, I say
I hear no life among these thick stone walls, no man calling out in pain
No whimpering from lack of human comfort,
No tap of feet or thump of heart
In silence there is always sound
The harsh voice repeats
Swimming through my head like a beautiful serpent
Listen
Another voice more breathy and feminine,
Laughs this simple word across my thoughts
I chuckle from the mere thought of doing just that
And then I hear it
The soft swish of the wind
Whistling to me as though it were calling a dog
Listen
The laughter demands to me again
I listen to the whistle
As if it were the human presence I’ve longed so much for
My head beats with thoughts over powering all my attempts
To obey the laughter
And then it is clear and I hear the wind
Softly whispering in my ear
Calling me to it
Calling me to float among the clouds
To swim through the branches of willow trees
To sing among bitter white maidens
To yell and cry among the wet and miserable
Then the wind becomes more, a multitude of voices
Singing so loudly it hurts my soul
They cry for me to join them in their dancing
They whisper to me to join in their merriments
I long so badly to do so and then again I hear
Listen
Laughter and harshness join in chorus together and again they say
Listen
I listen yet again and I hear why I cannot
The soft thud rings through my ears
As though it were not contained inside of me
Again they say as though to burn it into my mind
In silence there is always sound
The beat remains
Fresh air rushes in, I gasp in amazement
Silence presses in
And again the voices start
In silence there is always sound.
this one was written when i was feeling suffocated in this town, this state, possibly even this country, i was going for the morbid feel- can you tell- lol
Tonight is my night
Tonight is my night
Breathing deeply walking fast,
I slam the door to the only thing that
I can classify as mine and as my freedom
Pulling swiftly out
In jerky movements of my undeveloped skills
I sob
And catch myself
Slowly I take a breath
I don’t want him
I want them
He doesn’t want me
Why do I stay?
Why do I beg?
Why do I cry?
I’m done with this!
I slam on the breaks
As I catch the stop sign before I run it
I must go talk to…
To who?
My father is happy with his girlfriend
My once brother has shunned me because of my relationship
I have pushed all my friends away
Correction: I have pushed her away
Her above all I need
So much like me she is, so much like the person I hide from her
In fear that I wont be strong enough for her
My mother, my mother would correct me, tell me what I’ve done wrong
When all I want is someone to hold me to
Take me in and let me cry
My sister, my sister is much like my mother
And its not her touch I want now but that of someone…
Someone who I do not know, someone who wont judge me
My newest friend, she does not know me enough
All these people would want an explanation
One that I do not have
Why are you crying?
I do not know
A multitude of reasons
Because he has won, I said I would never hate him, even if he tried to make me
And here I am, wishing, longing that he would have never happened
I loved him this is true, but loving him drained the very essence of me away
And there is no more of me left to love him
Because I have no home, I choose one and then I feel the emptiness
And I try to convince myself this is home
But one house is so large that I loose myself in it, hide away form people,
Yet it is filled with genuine laughter
None of it comes from my mouth, all laughter from me in the past few months is…
Fake
Counterfeit
Forged
All I know is that the smile forms on my lips
And a full gleeful sound comes from my throat,
And on the inside I ask myself
Why?
Why do I laugh?
Whose laughter is that’s?
It is most certainly not mine…
The other house is so small ,so condensed and so empty
That I can feel myself suffocating
My father is never there, he’s always off at her house
Or working to pay the bills
I do not blame him
I thought the same thing would get me happiness
I was wrong
I do not blame him
I loved him until there was no more of me left to love him
He was wrong in thinking that I do not know what love is
He was wrong in thinking that this place is eating away at him and him only
He was wrong in pursuing me.
At the same time I thank him for all that has happened between us
Because if it were not for him I would have kept running
I would have ran from all the decisions I had to make
Instead he drained me of my energy I used to run
And I had to confront the issues I’d been running from
I curse him
Because I just gave him the last of me
And here I am faced with all these problems
And no power to solve them.
I wipe away a tear
Parked at the small house next to my brothers house
My brother…
From a young age we have known each other
A smart ass in nature and always a rebel
He was always the person I turned to talk to
I pushed him away thinking it was for the better
But now I regret doing so
Me being the untrusting person I am
I never trusted him
But I always knew he was there
And now that I need someone to talk to so badly
I’m not so sure he’s there for me anymore
I’m not sure how he’ll react when I show up
Tear stained and sobbing
On his doorstep
Begging him to help me.
I pull out again, not willing to see what the reaction would be
And I go to the one place I have claimed as my own
The swings
Tonight is my night
And I will take it with all the force I have left in me
I sit on the swing
Rocking too and froe letting the tears fall
For all the unknown reasons
Feeling the wind in my hair
And the cold creeping through the holes in my jeans
How do I solve what can not be identified?
I will call her
She’ll come to the swings
And we’ll rock too and froe together
And things will go back to the same.
He will call and I will hang up,
No longer a slave to his mercy.
this was written when i was confused, i felt like i had to choose between my friends and bob and that night he and i had a fight, so not only did i think it was over between us, but i thought maybe my friends were right and he is controlling me, by now i have dropped that, now i kinda think my friends are the ones who have been doing the pushing and controlling shit, i was just to dim whitted and spineless to see it before, lets just put it this way: im tired of running them places, of running out of gas and getting in trouble because they wanted to go somewhere... im mostly tired of getting in trouble and when im with bob i dont get in trouble and i still have fun, with them i have to do something illeagel to have it be fun, the only one who i never had to get in trouble with to have fun with was her... god im so tired i can remeber her fake name.
Posted by blackmagic8907
at 2:24 AM EDT
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